i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
