matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
