This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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