So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
