I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
They have beer where we have blood.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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