I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
She needs sedatives and a leash
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
