Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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