it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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