I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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