I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
