dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
