WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize