ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
