I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
My balls are so social today.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
