the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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