nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
