I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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