why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
