under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
