I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
