she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Randomize
