I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
