I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
