Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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