Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
