ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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