My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Randomize
