If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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