When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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