just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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