I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
