Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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