U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
