I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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