He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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