John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
