When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
