Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
