Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
