it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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