Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize