so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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