I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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