i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
