Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
