is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Randomize
