I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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