Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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