im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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