I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
