Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
