I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Randomize
