im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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