dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
