Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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