mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
