He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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