I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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